We Love Our Son And Support All Of His Interests

Lately our son, Brandon, has been really interested in:

1. Lacing the school’s macaroni and cheese with low-grade laxatives. Can we be sure that it wasn’t just the macaroni and cheese itself that caused those children to soil themselves?
2. Claiming his favorite subjects are lunch and gym. A child who prioritizes diet and exercise. We’ve raised a good one, Dave.
3. Drawing pentagrams on the living room wall during the night and then acting as if he doesn’t remember doing it the next morning. I actually minored in Art History, so drawing kind of runs in our family.
4. Continually putting live Cobras in the assistant principals mailbox. Oh he’ll be disciplined, but the ability to obtain multiple Cobras in the Toledo suburbs is actually quite impressive.
5. Lying about where he was born, but instead of making it somewhere interesting like Paris or Miami, instead saying it was a random town twenty minutes away. What an imagination our boy has!
6. Charging people to park at the hometown football games, even though parking always has been and always will be free. It was certainly wrong that he did that, but you’ve got to admire the business acumen.
7. Talking about starting a food fight, but never actually doing it. The restraint that boy shows is truly admirable.
8. Casually stating that 9/11 was an inside job. He does bring up some decent points about the second tower. Honestly…