Thanks To The New Covid-19 Relief Package I Can Finally Buy That Tropical Island I’ve Always Wanted

At last the two sides have arrived at an agreement. It’s about time! While I know that this package will only serve as bandaid for many Americans struggling to find work and make ends meet, I also recognize that any amount of financial aid helps. People are struggling out there and my heart goes out to them. On a more personal note, I’m excited because the new covid relief plan, specifically the stimulus check and the unemployment bonus, puts me one step closer to buying my own tropical island.

Members of the Republican party who favored a lower unemployment bonus, no doubt, imagine a scenario wherein people are not actively applying for work or even turning down positions because their benefits are too sweet, not unlike the coconuts on my soon to be purchased island. And they ain’t wrong! My small midwestern town has been bursting at the seams with opportunities, especially for a guy with a degree in Art History, but why would I go back to work when I am making a robust $600 dollars a week? Definitely not because I am embarrassed about losing my job or for my own mental health or stability. Who cares about that stuff? My current job is googling “Best Places to Buy an Island’’ and talking to my low-cost therapist about my future life in the caribbean and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know my parents agree.

As a man who has been unable to find work for about a year now, I, naturally, find myself flushed…