Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

By Adam Dietz & Troy Doetch

You forgot I was vegan? No, that’s totally cool! I don’t talk about it very often, because I’m not one of those vegans. In fact, there’s no need to change plans. I’ll definitely be able to find something here at Meaty Keith’s Gristle & Bone Trough. I know it wouldn’t be a big deal to choose a spot that works better for both of us, but seriously, I’m not one of those vegans that makes everything about themselves. If you have a craving for Meaty Keith’s signature Cheddar-Stuffed Tendon Tenderloin Tenders, then let’s do…


By Adam Dietz and Troy Doetch

Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash

I don’t know about you, but I just cannot trust someone who doesn’t drink coffee. I mean, these people who just wake up, full of energy, ready to attack the day, where do they come from? Mars? I, myself, am jonesing for a cup the second I get out of bed. Once I smell those beans percolating and Mr. Coffee makes his morning announcement with a few choice beeps, I know it’s go time for me! No, I just don’t trust people who don’t drink coffee. …


I’m serious this time!

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I’ve finally had it with that stinking cesspool you call social media. The tweeting, the liking, the commenting, the posting, the instagramming, I’m done with all of it. What started out as an enjoyable way to connect with old friends has turned into something entirely more toxic.

I refuse to spend another day doom-scrolling through my feed, growing more and more perplexed, hopeless, and depressed with each passing status update and photo shared. Nope, I’m done with this self-immolating hamster wheel you call modern communication. …


Photo by Jefferson Santos on Unsplash

In February of 2020, I was on the precipice of music stardom. I’d quit my job as a desk jockey working for the man, sold off all of grandmother’s best jewelry for amps and equipment, and spent almost every waking hour of the last year practicing in my garage with my bandmates Big Tee and Sharky. Together we’d formed an alt-rock band called “Talking To Your Uncle” that we thought was going to tilt the music industry on its very axis. We were pushing our chips to the center of the table and going all in. Nothing was going to…


Satire

It’s taking over our nation and I fear there might be irreparable damage for future generations.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Cancel culture is taking over our nation and I fear there might be irreparable damage for future generations. Someone doesn’t like the same songs as you, canceled. Someone tweeted something vaguely offensive when they were 6th grade, canceled. Someone’s dad got braids on a cruise to Jamaica, the whole family is canceled. In some cases, cancel culture will take something or someone down for no apparent reason at all. Poof! Just like that, they no longer exist. And that’s what scares me the most.

For example, JNCO Jeans. I don’t know what they could have said or done, but I…


“This work is derivative.”

Photo by Eugene Lagunov on Unsplash

For a graduate student, a workshop course is about as close it can get to the Gladiator battles of ancient Rome. When it comes to weapons, you won’t find any of the traditional swords or shields, but that doesn’t mean that pain won’t be inflicted upon a selected prey. Should you ever find yourself sitting in a creative writing course with your work up for discussion, let this guide serve as a means of translating what your peers actually mean as they critique your writing. But whatever you do, don’t cry. It’ll only make them stronger.

This work is derivative

As a student in…


The Homeric Question concerns the doubts and consequent debate over the identity of Homer, the authorship of the Iliad and the Odyssey and their historicity.” — Stefania Gianetto

Sitting across from Daniel, Dan, Selesky, he looks more like the kind of guy you might see purchasing a hot dog at a gas station than the author of two of the most famous works of all time. If his story is to be believed, and I for one think that it is, he’s just cemented himself as one of the most important people in the history of the nation? The World…


At last the two sides have arrived at an agreement. It’s about time! While I know that this package will only serve as bandaid for many Americans struggling to find work and make ends meet, I also recognize that any amount of financial aid helps. People are struggling out there and my heart goes out to them. On a more personal note, I’m excited because the new covid relief plan, specifically the stimulus check and the unemployment bonus, puts me one step closer to buying my own tropical island.

Members of the Republican party who favored a lower unemployment bonus…


Photo by Jonas Jacobsson on Unsplash

Bro-bro! How’s it going? Long time no see. Sorry I haven’t been able to connect lately; things have just been crazy with the success of the book. So many talk shows, podcast appearances, just press in general… it’s been nuts. And today, I found out that President Obama put My Big Brother: The Doofus on his year-end book list. Insane! There’s also been early talk of a potential Pulitzer, which is really humbling. All of my hard work is finally paying off, but don’t worry, I won’t leave my favorite and only big brother behind. Did you by chance read…


Call me Ishmael. Not Ishy, Ishman, Ishtar, or Whale Boy.

Photo by Michael Blum on Unsplash

Call me Ishmael. Not Ishy, Ishman, Ishtar, or Whale Boy. I hate Whale Boy. It’s such an oversimplification of the whole thing. Captain Ahab always tried to pull that shit and I was like, man, do you think it would be hard for me to come up with a nickname for you? Besides, if anyone was Whale Boy, it was him. He was way more obsessed with finding the whale than I was. “He’s Moby Dick. He’s my white whale. I must find him.” Yeah, okay, man. That whale has literally no idea who you are. It’s not personal, you…

Adam Dietz

Adam Dietz is a writer the host of the podcast "Home Impodcast." His work has been featured in McSweeney's, Slackjaw, and The Weekly Humorist.

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